What A Twist!

I just had an epiphany!

I've been struggling with the fact that, God isn't giving me direction, I'm not getting answers and I don't know the "right" thing to do. I have always wished that I was perfect and that life was perfect and that I knew my life plan. I imagine all of these turns of events that have such meaning in my life and I have to do the right thing or go the right way or my life will be doomed.

But what if there is no plan? What if God wants you to plan your own life and just be happy with the decisions you make? Live with no regrets, take risks and enjoy yourself.

What if?

I've been struggling with my next move in life, where to go to school. Then I came to the idea, maybe I don't want to be in school right now. And of course I think of the results of my actions thinking, I can't get a job if I don't have a full degree or a certificate or anything! I'm scared I will regret the decisions I make now that I cannot change. I have always lived my life on the safe side, I've never taken a risk. Now at the vunerable age of 19 I need to start making big decisions, decisions that could affect the rest of my life. Now I wonder, if instead thinking these decisions will affect my life negatively, why not say they will shape my life? I guess it's all about your view of life...

What everyone wants and what no one has

PERFECTION.

Everyone has a different definition of perfection. Some people can't put it into a definition. Some seek perfection in their appearances, some in their work, other's in their art or craft.

For me, I am looking for total perfection. When I'm getting ready for school, my poof needs to be perfectly symmetrical and my eyeliner exactly even. At work I staple, stamp and fold everything in the exact same place on every single paper. In the kitchen, I actually take measurements (I have my own way of measuring a 'pinch') and keep everything equal.
I have these ideas in my head of the perfect woman (who I want to be), the perfect man (who I'm looking for), the perfect relationship (the one I'm chasing after) and of course the fairy tail ending. And we all know life doesn't really work like that, does it?

But why? Why do we all stride for perfection. Don't they say that if we were all alike, life would be boring? In turn, if everyone was perfect the world would be so boring. We wouldn't have imperfections to laugh at and to love. And I don't want everyone else to be perfect. Not that I'm selfish and want to be the only one who is perfect. But because I love the imperfections in other people. Just not in myself.

So how do I be more perfect? Or maybe the right question is, how do I stop my desire for complete perfection and except all of my own imperfections?



note:
I've been wanting to write this blog to sort of find myself, to help guide myself through life and find answers to the questions I have. But how can I do that when all I do is think? I don't have any answers for myself and lately, the questions just seem to keep building up. I don't know how no one has written a book with all the answers yet....don't we have just about everything else?

do you believe in destiny?

Destiny. Fate. Karma. Kismet.

I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. I was given this name, I live in this house, I went to this school and met these friends all for specific reasons that helped build the life I live today. Then I started to question it. What's the reason I stubbed my toe on the door, why did I only have 1 wisdom tooth, how come I stepped in a puddle on my way into work today? Silly questions but all relevant to the idea of destiny, I suppose.

This idea has always come to my head when referring to love. Was I meant to go to that school on Sunday morning and meet my first boyfriend? Was I meant to go to that HealthQuest dance and get my first kiss from him just a few months later? Or is everything in life coincidence. We just happen to both go to service that morning. OR is coincidence what leads us to our fate?

Well, what's the use in thinking about this right? We'll never know the answer. It is just frustrating when you meet someone new, pick a school, acquire a job, buy a home, and you wonder, is this what I'm meant to do? Or many, you have many destiny's lined up, but it's up to you to choose which is best.

This was simply something I felt the need to put down in words for it's been on my mind ever since this journey of applying to schools began. I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions on destiny and fate and any insight you've found in your travels.

so its been a year...

Almost one whole year since I first blogged about my ridiculously exciting life filled with suspense and romance. And above all-questions.
For all you single guys out there yes I am still available. Surprise surprise.
And I still have questions!

I just started reading this amazing book yesterday called "Just Who Will You Be?" by Maria Shriver. Of course my mother suggested it and I'm like "OK sure mom!". Then I actually began reading it at work. There's an intro, a long poem then a conclusion. After reading the intro, I have not stopped thinking about it. The poem is corny but filled with truth. The conclusion I will more than likely finish tonight. You should defiantly check the book out for yourself but it basically sums up the idea of "what do you want to be when you grow up" to "who do you want to be". And it's so true.

I'm currently in a struggle, trying to find my place within this crazy world and peace within myself. Saying to myself "OK what is my major going to be? What am I going to do with the rest of my life?". While I have ideas, this book has shifted my way of thinking. WHO do I want to be? I don't have the answer for all of you (or myself, really) but we'll figure it out together hmm?

Interestingly enough, I first titled this blog "On The Prowl", insinuating my pursuit of men. I think this meaning has slightly shifted. While I am still on the look out for men (I repeat, I am single!), I am also looking for myself. Hopefully through out my new experiences, with the spring semester beginning in less than a week and my constant attempts to apply to schools, I will slowly begin to answer my new question:

JUST WHO WILL YOU BE?

here i go again...

so suprise suprise-she's on the prowl again.
it's really marissa's fault this time. she's got this new guy tom, he's a real doll and i'm seriously hoping this works out. not only does she deserve it but he does too. he's fun and a good influence...she'll be good for him too.
so tom's like yo i got this guy for kels and there we are at tom's house meeting john. now as much as i had wished this had been "a date", it was def "a hang out". i mean, we went and watched a movie. we had a little small talk and laughed during the movie, made fun if the russian accents and facial hair but nothing special.
but lord is he gourgeous. tall, built, faded mohawk, snazzy dresser, smart, lacrosse player.
although i could hear him breather through out the movie. and he'd like repeat the things he thought were funny.
but you have to take to minus' with the plus' right?
and he is definatly a plus.
it's one of those things like...we hardly even talked. i dont even know if there was chemistry. i mean, tom hugged me good bye john hardly made eye contact. so we get in the car and i'm like no maris he doesn't like me it's all good i mean he's hot but...then we get a text from tom saying john thought i was really cute and really nice and wants to hang out again! so i was freakin estatic. i was legit smiling so so big. so we're all going out to eat this week.
i'm so excited. i cant stop thinking about it. and him. it's one of those things like...there's nothing to even think about lol but you still are. just his face and his smile and his laugh. i'd really love to see something good come out of this.
sooo let's keep our fingers crossed!

wow

So I literally cannot stop thinking about this guy! I just keep replaying our little...well really it wasn't anything huh? An exchange of smiles? I have done that quite a few times so why is this guy different?
Maybe because he's the one, maybe because he has some sort of magical hold on me. Or maybe I'm just trying to keep my mind off of another guy...
Well, let's just go with the magical powers for now huh?

new guy?

So I'm in the library trying to study (did I study at all? suprisingly yes for about 10 minutes !) And Steve is there bothering me with his little friend and at this point Erica is gone being the responsible student she is turning into. So what else is there for me to do but scope out boys.
Now keep in mind, the library may not be the first place you would go looking for boys. Trust me, it never was for me either. But lately (and by lately I mean today) I've noiced quite potention in this house of books.
Of course you have your typical nerdy, geeky, obviously socially awkward guys who will more than likely avoid your glance at all costs because they've never seen boobs in real life. Only on their computer screens. Where they also play virtual dungeons and dragons. So then you have the kids who go to socialize A.K.A hoodlums. Now my problem is, these hoodlums intrigue me. Most of them are not very attractive and probably had some sort of illegal drugs on them. But for some reason, I find them endearing. Maybe it's because they are the rebellious kind of person I always wished I could be. The excitment I imagine in dating such a character. Lord knows.
Moving on to the real reason I brought this all up. So he walks in, I only recognize his presence when he is in view behind Steve's head. He is making his way towards the bathroom and we've made eye contact. And from what I can remember from those 5 long seconds, that is all we did. I don't believe our facial expressions changed in those instances. Now I'm sure your picturing this miraculous God who looks like he was literally dropped fromt he heavens. No no. He didn't have long flowing blonde hair, a rugged 5 o'clock shadow at 1 in the afternoon and beams of light were not shining all around him. He was about 6 foot with a hat on if I do recall and some sort of almost auburn colored beard. Not a mountain man beard but more stubble than a young high school teen attempting to grow more than s damn mex-y stash. And if I do recall he had slight gauges (normally this does not attract me but int his case they were modest enough to be respectable but also noticable...what would my father say !). He had on jeans and some sort of jacket but at this point those details were irrelevant. He finally came out of the bathroom and of course I was ready to give him my 100-watt hollywood smile. Do you really think that happened? Nope. It was more of a sheepish, probably including a blush kinda "I like your face" kind of smile. But hey, I got a smile back didn't I? Yes I did. Not to mention, Steve's little friend later informed me that when sitting at the computer desk not 10 feet away from me (he chose this position not long after our rendezvous), he looked me up and down! Alright, maybe not the romantic happy ending you were imagining. But that means he is at least interested in my body!
So then Steve and friend leave and I'm sitting there "studying" and hoping he will come over and say hi. But alas, no such luck. Then I came up with the idea to ask him if he had a highlighter. Of course I didn't ask though. But ok....so while he's not the on fire hot hot type, he's intimidating. he's one of those people who looks like he knows exactly who he is and who he wants. So maybe I'm not it. Maybe he was being polite to smile back, so what if he thinks I'm hot that does't mean he's interested. And there I go assuming he found me hot. Maybe he looked and didn't like what he saw....
But whats the use in thinking like that right? So when I left of course I had to look back and I caught his eye, held it for 2 seconds and turned around like I didn't want him to see me looking.
So of course, we have no school tomorrow so I have no chances of seeing him until next week. But I'm really hoping I will. And now with a new one in my eye, that's even more of a reason for me to work on setting my game up. I gotta throw away the sweatshirts, stretch pants and head bands.